Archive for February, 2008

When blogs make The Onion speak the truth.

February 29, 2008

1. Majority of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report (The Onion)

2. Worst Parents in the World Punk Kid into Thinking He Got An Xbox 360 (Engadget)

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At some point this tide has to turn. Right?

February 29, 2008

Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? (Probably not, or it wouldn’t be constantly on the bubble.) That one tall guy, the guy who, in Knocked Up said that gynecology was just a hobby of his, is Judd Apatow’s new protege:

From Variety:

Judd Apatow has set up the comedy “Five-Year Engagement” at Universal Pictures.

Project, which Apatow will produce with Shauna Robertson*, reteams the studio with the duo behind the upcoming laffer “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”: writer-director Nick Stoller and writer-star Jason Segel.

Story, described as a bawdy, couples comedy, charts the five-year engagement of a man (Segel)** and his fiancee***, following the ups and downs of their relationship.

“It’s definitely an extension of our desire to explore the depth of human misery****,” Stoller said.

*Dating Edward Norton. What do they find to talk about? “Oh, honey. I just finished another serious drama that plumbs the depths of my acting skills. And I did a polish on HULK. Added some philosophy. How was your day?” “We shot a really terrific scene involving sperm accidentally getting in someone’s soup. So totally hilarious!”

**This is Jason Segel:

I’m sure he’s a really nice guy. In the movie, I predict that his character will inexplicably be paired up with, say,

***Jessica Alba:

No one in the movie’s universe will ever comment on how unlikely this is. Jason Segel’s character will be really torn about settling down. WHAT IF HE CAN DO BETTER? WHAT IF THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO FUCK HIM??????

****Jessica Alba’s character will be shrill, nagging, and humorless. None of her girlfriends will ever look at her fiance doubtfully and go “…really? That guy?”

In the end, Jason Segel’s character will reluctantly man up and marry his girlfriend. Some older male will give him a talking-to about how, sure, marriage basically sucks (you can’t fuck ANYONE BUT YOUR WIFE! Do you know how HARD that is????) but you have to throw women a bone every now and then. It’s the manly thing to do. And Jason Segel is nothing if not manly.

Jessica Simpson, blog commenters, confused about many things

February 28, 2008

There are several layers to this one. Think of it as a delicious pyramid-shaped cupcake of stupid.

1. Jessica Simpson is going to perform for the troops.
2. In Kuwait.
3. This is her statement on the matter:

It’s truly an honor to perform for the troops. Through Operation MySpace, I get to serve my country by doing what I love to do in front of thousands of brave men in uniform. It’s every girl’s dream!

4. Gossip blog commenters get in a fight about this. Is she a horrible person for making the troops – already in such danger! – suffer through her singing? Or an American hero for risking her own safety to entertain?

The Smooter Report posits a third, no-danger-to-anyone option:

The Smooter Report also submits that Jessica Simpson is going to be super-disappointed to get to Kuwait and realize that instead of hordes of hot, violent infantry guys, it’s lady mechanics and National Guard line cooks AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE.

So a prince and a bunch of actual soldiers walk into a bar…

February 28, 2008

That Prince Harry kid is serving a tour of duty with the British Army in Afghanistan. Have you heard about this? It was being kept a secret, so he could play at being macho without, you know, ENDANGERING people, but alas. Your secret is out, sir!


HRH WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS, HAVING BLOODY BRILLIANT TIME

In some cave somewhere, a Taliban dude is all “FIRE UP THE MULE! Allah has granted us a glorious PR opportunity!”

Michael Bay: Gaoler, Visionary, Hair Model.

February 28, 2008

There’s an article in today’s Variety about what the Big Cheeses are doing to prepare for a possible SAG strike (five-second backstory: the writers just finished striking, and the actors’ leadership seems pretty determined not to take no shit from nobody, so the fromages around town are leery of shooting anything that won’t wrap by June 30.)

Michael Bay is about to start production on Transformers II: MORE ROBOTS, LESS PLOT, ALL THE TEENAGE GIRLS DRESSED LIKE HOOKERS YOU CAN HANDLE. But he doesn’t really have a script, not after that whole WGA strike. Here is his solution:

Bay said that the sequel is still recovering from the writer’s strike, and that he’s playing catch-up after getting back his trio of writers, Ehren Kruger, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci.

“They did a detailed outline before the writer’s strike, and now they are in Michael Bay jail, holed up in a hotel and working feverishly,” Bay said. “We’re paying for a beautiful suite and they are getting a lot of work done. Hiring three writers was unusual, but it has been a godsend in getting us to where we need to be. Somehow you find a way to get it done.”

This is Michael Bay:

That picture is not from the early seventies. THAT’S JUST HOW HE LIKES TO WEAR HIS HAIR.

This is Michael Bay’s filmography:

1. Transformers 2 (2009) (announced)
2. Transformers (2007)
3. The Island (2005)
4. The Lionel Richie Collection (2003) (V) (video “Do It to Me”)
5. Bad Boys II (2003)
6. Pearl Harbor (2001)
7. Armageddon (1998/I)
8. The Rock (1996)
9. Bad Boys (1995)
10. Shadows and Light: From a Different View (1992) (V)
11. Great White: My… My… My… the Video Collection (1991) (V) (video “Call It Rock N’ Roll”)
12. Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall (1990) (V)

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “Gee, with that background, I’m not surprised that Transformers was such a smart, taut, emotionally involving action movie- or that it contained so many loving pans across Megan Fox’s butt. Why didn’t they get this guy to direct the Bourne films? That’s how terrific he is!”

And you’re right. Michael Bay: gets stuff done. Another great thing about him is that he’s basically exactly the guy you’d think he’d be based on his hair.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like a guy who likes to date Playmates!

REALITY SAYS:

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who has an unintentionally hilarious website about himself!

REALITY SAYS: MichaelBay.com. Check it.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who claims not to care that his movies are critically derided but secretly doesn’t understand WHY SMART PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THEM. WHY.

REALITY SAYS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Michael Bay totally doesn’t care. HIS MOVIES MAKE TONS OF CASH IN GERMANY, OKAY.

Tyra Banks understands your homeless pain.

February 28, 2008

On last night’s America’s Next Top Model Who Will Never Really Get Much Work And Will Turn Up In Your Copy Of The Newport News Catalog Two Years From Now, Tyra Banks led the ladies in – AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY – MODELING WITH THE HOMELESS.

I know that the following sounds like an SNL skit, but it’s really what happened:

The models dressed in the traditional garb of the homeless, while a bunch of homeless teens got made up and styled all fancy-like.

TYRA’S IN UR DOORWAY, FEELIN’ UR PAIN:

Afterward, the homeless teens went back to their alley behind the Chinese restaurant, and Tyra went home and wrote in her Moleskine journal about how she totally, like, raised American consciousness of a terrible problem.

Dollhouse

February 27, 2008

You may have noticed that people on the internet really like Joss Whedon shows. Much more than normal people. (Hence the canceling.)

Don’t ever mention Firefly around a Joss Whedon fan. They’ll start going on and on about how it was the most amazing thing ever, better than The Wire, and how they have a few extra sets of the DVD box set you can borrow, and do you want them to knit you a Jayne Hat, and how they’re having their bi-monthly watch-the-pilot party this Tuesday if you’re interested.

Joss Whedon, you may have heard, has a new show: Dollhouse.

It involves Eliza Dushku as the mysterious main character, Echo (GET IT?) getting a mindwipe every week so she can be THE HOOKER (or platonic fantasy pal, but let’s be honest! What grabbed you was the HOOKER part.) OF YOUR DREAMS or something like that.

LOST meets ALIAS meets FANTASY ISLAND meets BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS.

The Smooter Report Predicts:

1. Eliza Dushku will be sort of unconvincing (and, actually, slightly scary) as a sultry sexpot, but no one will acknowledge this.

2. Dollhouse will get canceled due to an alarming ratings drop-off after the first episode, when many people are all “Hey, what happened to the HOOKER OF YOUR DREAMS thing? I didn’t realize I was going to have to sit through all this lame DIALOG.”, leading to a fan campaign to revive it.

3. It will not get revived. Instead, there will be a direct-to-DVD movie that only 42 people will buy.

4. Joss Whedon will claim that he appreciates strong female characters, as portrayed by Eliza Dushku.

5. Teenage boys everywhere will also appreciate strong female characters as portrayed by Eliza Dushku. In the shower.

Vampires+moms.

February 27, 2008

Twilight is a YA book series by Stephenie Meyer. It’s about this girl, Isabella Swan (yes, really) who moves to a small town in Washington state and falls deeply – but chastely! – in love with a vampire. Seriously, there isn’t even any making out. The author is a Mormon, so while it may be a vampire romance novel, there will be no groping until they’re married.

Unsurprisingly, a movie is being made of this. It has a huge fanbase. Many of its fans are of course teenage girls who need safe, chaste, imaginary vampire boyfriends to fantasize about. But bizarrely, some of its fans are…

Twilight Moms.

SO…YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE whose life was turned upside down once you read Twilight…

Your house is a disaster with piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights. You imagine your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and have the libido of a newlywed again.

Here is a picture of the libido-inspiring vampires:

Really? I could hip-check the kid with the eyebrows and it’d be all over.

Hulk hates creepy way hospitals smell.

February 27, 2008

If you were one of the four people who liked Ang Lee’s THE INCREDIBLE HULK movie enough to root for a reboot, who would you cast as angry nerd Bruce Banner? Someone bulky, right? Some guy who seems like maybe he has a temper?

Not Edward Norton, who seems like maybe he’ll crush you with a withering bon mot. In interbellum Paris.

And then you probably also wouldn’t go “Hey, Edward Norton, would you like to write the screenplay? Since you’re so experienced in this area? And maybe to help you out, we’ll get Zak Penn!”

Here’s a good line from Zak Penn’s IMDB bio:

Earliest known memory is of the Watergate break-in.

He wrote X-Men: The Last Stand and Elektra. Maybe he and Edward Norton got into huge fights over the HULK script.

“Needs more explosions!”

“Needs more philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“Philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“HULK SMASH.”

I believe. The veiny neck is what’s doing it for me.

Clearly, we’re doomed.

February 26, 2008

Do you know who John Connor is? No? He’s going to save your ass from the robots come Judgment Day. In the future, he’ll be played by Christian Bale.

Unfortunately, in the present, he’s played by that kid who was going to be gay on Heroes, but left the show to do Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

This kid needs a good asskicking or something:


“Ugh, saving the world is so hard.”


“Do you think my bangs look okay? I’m using this new spray wax. It might be too much.”