Michael Bay: Gaoler, Visionary, Hair Model.

There’s an article in today’s Variety about what the Big Cheeses are doing to prepare for a possible SAG strike (five-second backstory: the writers just finished striking, and the actors’ leadership seems pretty determined not to take no shit from nobody, so the fromages around town are leery of shooting anything that won’t wrap by June 30.)

Michael Bay is about to start production on Transformers II: MORE ROBOTS, LESS PLOT, ALL THE TEENAGE GIRLS DRESSED LIKE HOOKERS YOU CAN HANDLE. But he doesn’t really have a script, not after that whole WGA strike. Here is his solution:

Bay said that the sequel is still recovering from the writer’s strike, and that he’s playing catch-up after getting back his trio of writers, Ehren Kruger, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci.

“They did a detailed outline before the writer’s strike, and now they are in Michael Bay jail, holed up in a hotel and working feverishly,” Bay said. “We’re paying for a beautiful suite and they are getting a lot of work done. Hiring three writers was unusual, but it has been a godsend in getting us to where we need to be. Somehow you find a way to get it done.”

This is Michael Bay:

That picture is not from the early seventies. THAT’S JUST HOW HE LIKES TO WEAR HIS HAIR.

This is Michael Bay’s filmography:

1. Transformers 2 (2009) (announced)
2. Transformers (2007)
3. The Island (2005)
4. The Lionel Richie Collection (2003) (V) (video “Do It to Me”)
5. Bad Boys II (2003)
6. Pearl Harbor (2001)
7. Armageddon (1998/I)
8. The Rock (1996)
9. Bad Boys (1995)
10. Shadows and Light: From a Different View (1992) (V)
11. Great White: My… My… My… the Video Collection (1991) (V) (video “Call It Rock N’ Roll”)
12. Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall (1990) (V)

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “Gee, with that background, I’m not surprised that Transformers was such a smart, taut, emotionally involving action movie- or that it contained so many loving pans across Megan Fox’s butt. Why didn’t they get this guy to direct the Bourne films? That’s how terrific he is!”

And you’re right. Michael Bay: gets stuff done. Another great thing about him is that he’s basically exactly the guy you’d think he’d be based on his hair.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like a guy who likes to date Playmates!


YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who has an unintentionally hilarious website about himself!

REALITY SAYS: MichaelBay.com. Check it.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who claims not to care that his movies are critically derided but secretly doesn’t understand WHY SMART PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THEM. WHY.

REALITY SAYS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Michael Bay totally doesn’t care. HIS MOVIES MAKE TONS OF CASH IN GERMANY, OKAY.


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