Archive for March, 2008

Vaginas ruin movies.

March 23, 2008

Radar Magazine counts down the most misogynistic movies of the decade.

While Knocked Up deserves an article all its own (“Ladies, you’re LUCKY to get pregnant by Seth Rogen! I don’t care that you’re hot as shit and have a burgeoning career as an entertainment journalist, if some fat-guy slacker sperm makes its way into your womb, you must drop everything and move to East LA to raise the baby. And thank God for it.”) TSR doesn’t disagree with the main thrust of the article, which is: HOLLYWOOD HATES THE LADIES.

Here are some up-and-coming projects TSR thinks will make Radar’s next list:

1) Body of Lies. Did you know this Leo DiCaprio/Russell Crowe spy thriller is based on a novel called Penetration? Hey now. Let’s just call it COCK DUELS and get it over with.

The best part of the script is that Leo’s spy character is married (unhappily, of course) to a sexually demanding career woman who is explicitly portrayed as evil for being sexually demanding and having a career. But don’t worry, he leaves her for a sweet, helpful, French aid worker.

What the hell is it with American men and their creepy fetish for French ladies? Face it, gents: French ladies are just as demanding as their American sisters. You just can’t tell, because they’re nagging at you in la langue d’amour.

2) The Ugly Truth. In this romantic comedy, Katie Heigl plays an uptight (=needs dick) morning show producer who is forced to work with a misogynistic ladies man (Gerard Butler). Sparks fly! She realizes that everything about her is wrong! She changes! The man does not change! She learns to suppress her neediness! Gerard Butler shares his feelings with her! She is pathetically grateful! His dick makes her less uptight!

TSR loves Katherine Heigl, but feels that she makes poor choices. Make a movie that isn’t about a man completing you, pls.

TSR already resents the fact that during press for this film, Gerard Butler will claim to be nothing like his character.

TSR would also like to point out that this is one of the absolute worst scripts she read in the past 12 months. It’s from the ladies who did Legally Blonde, and the disappointment was crushing.

3) He’s Just Not That Into You. To be fair, TSR liked this script. But the subject matter! It’s so depressing! Do women have ANY interests unrelated to snaring a man into marriage? No?

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Hollywood age math.

March 11, 2008

FACT: Once is the little indie movie that could! Shot for four Euros and a bag of wrenches over two hours in Dublin’s high street. When no one was looking. With call-center workers on their lunch breaks for extras.

FACT: All your annoying indie friends would not shut up about this movie about a street musician and a Czech girl who rehearse and sing songs and fall in love.

FACT: It won an Oscar or something like that.

FACT: Marita is the daughter of one of Glen’s buddies. She is currently 19 years old.

QUERY: Wait– wait a minute. That doesn’t sound right. How old is Glen Hansard?

FACT: Glen Hansard is 37.

FACT: Glen and Marita met when she was 14. And he was, you know, 32.

FACT: She was 17 when they were shooting the movie and FELL IN ROMANTIC INDIE MOVIE LOVE FOR REALS.

QUERY: When did they– you know. YOU KNOW.

FACT: What’s Ireland’s age of consent? Because, that’s when. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT GLEN HANSARD IS SOME KIND OF INDIE-ROCK PERV? Knock it the hell off.

FACT: Press for this darling little indie gem tended to ignore that Marita was 17 during the shoot and Glen was 35. Because they’re European! European girls are very mature and shit.

The chemistry between (the) two leads … was easy to produce during the January 2006 shoot in Dublin. “I had been falling in love with her for a long time, but I kept telling myself she’s just a kid,” says Hansard, 37, who has known his 19-year-old costar for the past six years. (The two are now dating.) “There was definitely the feeling we were documenting something precious and private.”

“Hello, I’m Glen.”

“Hello.”

“How old are you?”

“17.”

“Perfect! Just young enough to make me feel dirty, too old to make me consider keeping my pants on.”

Edward Norton Smash Petulantly!

March 11, 2008

Oh, FANTASTIC.

One loves nothing more than a good actor hissyfit. And this is a particularly classy one.

THE HULK MOVIES: A MODEST TIMELINE.

2000: Universal and Marvel start talking seriously about putting together a HULK movie.

2001: You say HULK SMASH, I say ANG LEE! In a surprising move, Marvel decides that this guy – hot off the success of Sense and Sensibility and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – is the perfect dude to helm their epic kickstart of what’s sure to be a gigantic franchise.

2003: The Hulk is released. Audiences everywhere are perplexed by Ang Lee’s obsession with matchy fades from desert foliage to lab equipment. No one understands why there’s a whole ancient Greek play in the middle where The Hulk and his dad work out their problems. “That was terrible”, people leaving the theater declare. “Thanks for killing it!”

2006: Universal and Marvel give The Hulk another chance. People everywhere make frowny faces of confusion. Edward Norton is cast as Bruce Banner. People wonder if this is an elaborate joke. Edward Norton is given the opportunity to rewrite the script. People start laughing. “Oh, you,” they say. “I almost fell for that one!”

2007: People are blindsided by the reveal that this is TOTALLY FOR REAL Y’ALL.

Early 2008: You never saw it coming: Edward Norton is difficult, and being fussy, and wanting some kind of final-cut privileges. Apparently. Marvel and Universal execs start to panic, pretend they aren’t panicking. “Listen,” Norton’s agent says, “My guy was in THE GODDAMN ILLUSIONIST. He totally packs the house for mediocre romances! What do you think he can do with a green Mystic Tan and tattered shorts?”

June 2008: Audiences everywhere are perplexed by journeyman director Louis Leterrier’s (The Transporter, The Transporter 2) obsession with having The Hulk drive around in shiny black cars. No one understands why Ed Norton has a nine-minute monologue in the third act about Nietzsche. “That was terrible,” people leaving the theater declare. “I can’t believe I fell for that AGAIN.”

2010: A Marvel exec takes an idea in to Universal. “It’s a totally fresh perspective,” he says. “Justin Timberlake, can you see it?”

Hollywood age math.

March 7, 2008

THE MOVIE: Confessions of a Shopaholic

THE HOT YOUNG THING: Isla Fisher, born in 1976

HER DAD: John Goodman, born in 1952

HER TOTALLY OLD MOM, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WOMEN OVER 32 ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY: Joan Cusack, born in 1962

I hope part of the movie is about how Joan Cusack was a teenage mother! That would be great. And maybe she can have a serious conversation with her daughter about how when you turn 40, you get locked in a closet, and when you turn 50, you’re taken to the Agerizer and eliminated.