Edward Norton Smash Petulantly!

Oh, FANTASTIC.

One loves nothing more than a good actor hissyfit. And this is a particularly classy one.

THE HULK MOVIES: A MODEST TIMELINE.

2000: Universal and Marvel start talking seriously about putting together a HULK movie.

2001: You say HULK SMASH, I say ANG LEE! In a surprising move, Marvel decides that this guy – hot off the success of Sense and Sensibility and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – is the perfect dude to helm their epic kickstart of what’s sure to be a gigantic franchise.

2003: The Hulk is released. Audiences everywhere are perplexed by Ang Lee’s obsession with matchy fades from desert foliage to lab equipment. No one understands why there’s a whole ancient Greek play in the middle where The Hulk and his dad work out their problems. “That was terrible”, people leaving the theater declare. “Thanks for killing it!”

2006: Universal and Marvel give The Hulk another chance. People everywhere make frowny faces of confusion. Edward Norton is cast as Bruce Banner. People wonder if this is an elaborate joke. Edward Norton is given the opportunity to rewrite the script. People start laughing. “Oh, you,” they say. “I almost fell for that one!”

2007: People are blindsided by the reveal that this is TOTALLY FOR REAL Y’ALL.

Early 2008: You never saw it coming: Edward Norton is difficult, and being fussy, and wanting some kind of final-cut privileges. Apparently. Marvel and Universal execs start to panic, pretend they aren’t panicking. “Listen,” Norton’s agent says, “My guy was in THE GODDAMN ILLUSIONIST. He totally packs the house for mediocre romances! What do you think he can do with a green Mystic Tan and tattered shorts?”

June 2008: Audiences everywhere are perplexed by journeyman director Louis Leterrier’s (The Transporter, The Transporter 2) obsession with having The Hulk drive around in shiny black cars. No one understands why Ed Norton has a nine-minute monologue in the third act about Nietzsche. “That was terrible,” people leaving the theater declare. “I can’t believe I fell for that AGAIN.”

2010: A Marvel exec takes an idea in to Universal. “It’s a totally fresh perspective,” he says. “Justin Timberlake, can you see it?”

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One Response to “Edward Norton Smash Petulantly!”

  1. Morwen P. Says:

    I saw the trailer last night and it looks SO TERRIBLE. In related news, I’ve never understood the people who worship Edward Norton.

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