Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Vaginas ruin movies.

March 23, 2008

Radar Magazine counts down the most misogynistic movies of the decade.

While Knocked Up deserves an article all its own (“Ladies, you’re LUCKY to get pregnant by Seth Rogen! I don’t care that you’re hot as shit and have a burgeoning career as an entertainment journalist, if some fat-guy slacker sperm makes its way into your womb, you must drop everything and move to East LA to raise the baby. And thank God for it.”) TSR doesn’t disagree with the main thrust of the article, which is: HOLLYWOOD HATES THE LADIES.

Here are some up-and-coming projects TSR thinks will make Radar’s next list:

1) Body of Lies. Did you know this Leo DiCaprio/Russell Crowe spy thriller is based on a novel called Penetration? Hey now. Let’s just call it COCK DUELS and get it over with.

The best part of the script is that Leo’s spy character is married (unhappily, of course) to a sexually demanding career woman who is explicitly portrayed as evil for being sexually demanding and having a career. But don’t worry, he leaves her for a sweet, helpful, French aid worker.

What the hell is it with American men and their creepy fetish for French ladies? Face it, gents: French ladies are just as demanding as their American sisters. You just can’t tell, because they’re nagging at you in la langue d’amour.

2) The Ugly Truth. In this romantic comedy, Katie Heigl plays an uptight (=needs dick) morning show producer who is forced to work with a misogynistic ladies man (Gerard Butler). Sparks fly! She realizes that everything about her is wrong! She changes! The man does not change! She learns to suppress her neediness! Gerard Butler shares his feelings with her! She is pathetically grateful! His dick makes her less uptight!

TSR loves Katherine Heigl, but feels that she makes poor choices. Make a movie that isn’t about a man completing you, pls.

TSR already resents the fact that during press for this film, Gerard Butler will claim to be nothing like his character.

TSR would also like to point out that this is one of the absolute worst scripts she read in the past 12 months. It’s from the ladies who did Legally Blonde, and the disappointment was crushing.

3) He’s Just Not That Into You. To be fair, TSR liked this script. But the subject matter! It’s so depressing! Do women have ANY interests unrelated to snaring a man into marriage? No?

Hollywood age math.

March 11, 2008

FACT: Once is the little indie movie that could! Shot for four Euros and a bag of wrenches over two hours in Dublin’s high street. When no one was looking. With call-center workers on their lunch breaks for extras.

FACT: All your annoying indie friends would not shut up about this movie about a street musician and a Czech girl who rehearse and sing songs and fall in love.

FACT: It won an Oscar or something like that.

FACT: Marita is the daughter of one of Glen’s buddies. She is currently 19 years old.

QUERY: Wait– wait a minute. That doesn’t sound right. How old is Glen Hansard?

FACT: Glen Hansard is 37.

FACT: Glen and Marita met when she was 14. And he was, you know, 32.

FACT: She was 17 when they were shooting the movie and FELL IN ROMANTIC INDIE MOVIE LOVE FOR REALS.

QUERY: When did they– you know. YOU KNOW.

FACT: What’s Ireland’s age of consent? Because, that’s when. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT GLEN HANSARD IS SOME KIND OF INDIE-ROCK PERV? Knock it the hell off.

FACT: Press for this darling little indie gem tended to ignore that Marita was 17 during the shoot and Glen was 35. Because they’re European! European girls are very mature and shit.

The chemistry between (the) two leads … was easy to produce during the January 2006 shoot in Dublin. “I had been falling in love with her for a long time, but I kept telling myself she’s just a kid,” says Hansard, 37, who has known his 19-year-old costar for the past six years. (The two are now dating.) “There was definitely the feeling we were documenting something precious and private.”

“Hello, I’m Glen.”

“Hello.”

“How old are you?”

“17.”

“Perfect! Just young enough to make me feel dirty, too old to make me consider keeping my pants on.”

Edward Norton Smash Petulantly!

March 11, 2008

Oh, FANTASTIC.

One loves nothing more than a good actor hissyfit. And this is a particularly classy one.

THE HULK MOVIES: A MODEST TIMELINE.

2000: Universal and Marvel start talking seriously about putting together a HULK movie.

2001: You say HULK SMASH, I say ANG LEE! In a surprising move, Marvel decides that this guy – hot off the success of Sense and Sensibility and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – is the perfect dude to helm their epic kickstart of what’s sure to be a gigantic franchise.

2003: The Hulk is released. Audiences everywhere are perplexed by Ang Lee’s obsession with matchy fades from desert foliage to lab equipment. No one understands why there’s a whole ancient Greek play in the middle where The Hulk and his dad work out their problems. “That was terrible”, people leaving the theater declare. “Thanks for killing it!”

2006: Universal and Marvel give The Hulk another chance. People everywhere make frowny faces of confusion. Edward Norton is cast as Bruce Banner. People wonder if this is an elaborate joke. Edward Norton is given the opportunity to rewrite the script. People start laughing. “Oh, you,” they say. “I almost fell for that one!”

2007: People are blindsided by the reveal that this is TOTALLY FOR REAL Y’ALL.

Early 2008: You never saw it coming: Edward Norton is difficult, and being fussy, and wanting some kind of final-cut privileges. Apparently. Marvel and Universal execs start to panic, pretend they aren’t panicking. “Listen,” Norton’s agent says, “My guy was in THE GODDAMN ILLUSIONIST. He totally packs the house for mediocre romances! What do you think he can do with a green Mystic Tan and tattered shorts?”

June 2008: Audiences everywhere are perplexed by journeyman director Louis Leterrier’s (The Transporter, The Transporter 2) obsession with having The Hulk drive around in shiny black cars. No one understands why Ed Norton has a nine-minute monologue in the third act about Nietzsche. “That was terrible,” people leaving the theater declare. “I can’t believe I fell for that AGAIN.”

2010: A Marvel exec takes an idea in to Universal. “It’s a totally fresh perspective,” he says. “Justin Timberlake, can you see it?”

Hollywood age math.

March 7, 2008

THE MOVIE: Confessions of a Shopaholic

THE HOT YOUNG THING: Isla Fisher, born in 1976

HER DAD: John Goodman, born in 1952

HER TOTALLY OLD MOM, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WOMEN OVER 32 ARE ALLOWED TO PLAY: Joan Cusack, born in 1962

I hope part of the movie is about how Joan Cusack was a teenage mother! That would be great. And maybe she can have a serious conversation with her daughter about how when you turn 40, you get locked in a closet, and when you turn 50, you’re taken to the Agerizer and eliminated.

When blogs make The Onion speak the truth.

February 29, 2008

1. Majority of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report (The Onion)

2. Worst Parents in the World Punk Kid into Thinking He Got An Xbox 360 (Engadget)

At some point this tide has to turn. Right?

February 29, 2008

Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? (Probably not, or it wouldn’t be constantly on the bubble.) That one tall guy, the guy who, in Knocked Up said that gynecology was just a hobby of his, is Judd Apatow’s new protege:

From Variety:

Judd Apatow has set up the comedy “Five-Year Engagement” at Universal Pictures.

Project, which Apatow will produce with Shauna Robertson*, reteams the studio with the duo behind the upcoming laffer “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”: writer-director Nick Stoller and writer-star Jason Segel.

Story, described as a bawdy, couples comedy, charts the five-year engagement of a man (Segel)** and his fiancee***, following the ups and downs of their relationship.

“It’s definitely an extension of our desire to explore the depth of human misery****,” Stoller said.

*Dating Edward Norton. What do they find to talk about? “Oh, honey. I just finished another serious drama that plumbs the depths of my acting skills. And I did a polish on HULK. Added some philosophy. How was your day?” “We shot a really terrific scene involving sperm accidentally getting in someone’s soup. So totally hilarious!”

**This is Jason Segel:

I’m sure he’s a really nice guy. In the movie, I predict that his character will inexplicably be paired up with, say,

***Jessica Alba:

No one in the movie’s universe will ever comment on how unlikely this is. Jason Segel’s character will be really torn about settling down. WHAT IF HE CAN DO BETTER? WHAT IF THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN OUT THERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO FUCK HIM??????

****Jessica Alba’s character will be shrill, nagging, and humorless. None of her girlfriends will ever look at her fiance doubtfully and go “…really? That guy?”

In the end, Jason Segel’s character will reluctantly man up and marry his girlfriend. Some older male will give him a talking-to about how, sure, marriage basically sucks (you can’t fuck ANYONE BUT YOUR WIFE! Do you know how HARD that is????) but you have to throw women a bone every now and then. It’s the manly thing to do. And Jason Segel is nothing if not manly.

Jessica Simpson, blog commenters, confused about many things

February 28, 2008

There are several layers to this one. Think of it as a delicious pyramid-shaped cupcake of stupid.

1. Jessica Simpson is going to perform for the troops.
2. In Kuwait.
3. This is her statement on the matter:

It’s truly an honor to perform for the troops. Through Operation MySpace, I get to serve my country by doing what I love to do in front of thousands of brave men in uniform. It’s every girl’s dream!

4. Gossip blog commenters get in a fight about this. Is she a horrible person for making the troops – already in such danger! – suffer through her singing? Or an American hero for risking her own safety to entertain?

The Smooter Report posits a third, no-danger-to-anyone option:

The Smooter Report also submits that Jessica Simpson is going to be super-disappointed to get to Kuwait and realize that instead of hordes of hot, violent infantry guys, it’s lady mechanics and National Guard line cooks AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE.

So a prince and a bunch of actual soldiers walk into a bar…

February 28, 2008

That Prince Harry kid is serving a tour of duty with the British Army in Afghanistan. Have you heard about this? It was being kept a secret, so he could play at being macho without, you know, ENDANGERING people, but alas. Your secret is out, sir!


HRH WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS, HAVING BLOODY BRILLIANT TIME

In some cave somewhere, a Taliban dude is all “FIRE UP THE MULE! Allah has granted us a glorious PR opportunity!”

Michael Bay: Gaoler, Visionary, Hair Model.

February 28, 2008

There’s an article in today’s Variety about what the Big Cheeses are doing to prepare for a possible SAG strike (five-second backstory: the writers just finished striking, and the actors’ leadership seems pretty determined not to take no shit from nobody, so the fromages around town are leery of shooting anything that won’t wrap by June 30.)

Michael Bay is about to start production on Transformers II: MORE ROBOTS, LESS PLOT, ALL THE TEENAGE GIRLS DRESSED LIKE HOOKERS YOU CAN HANDLE. But he doesn’t really have a script, not after that whole WGA strike. Here is his solution:

Bay said that the sequel is still recovering from the writer’s strike, and that he’s playing catch-up after getting back his trio of writers, Ehren Kruger, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci.

“They did a detailed outline before the writer’s strike, and now they are in Michael Bay jail, holed up in a hotel and working feverishly,” Bay said. “We’re paying for a beautiful suite and they are getting a lot of work done. Hiring three writers was unusual, but it has been a godsend in getting us to where we need to be. Somehow you find a way to get it done.”

This is Michael Bay:

That picture is not from the early seventies. THAT’S JUST HOW HE LIKES TO WEAR HIS HAIR.

This is Michael Bay’s filmography:

1. Transformers 2 (2009) (announced)
2. Transformers (2007)
3. The Island (2005)
4. The Lionel Richie Collection (2003) (V) (video “Do It to Me”)
5. Bad Boys II (2003)
6. Pearl Harbor (2001)
7. Armageddon (1998/I)
8. The Rock (1996)
9. Bad Boys (1995)
10. Shadows and Light: From a Different View (1992) (V)
11. Great White: My… My… My… the Video Collection (1991) (V) (video “Call It Rock N’ Roll”)
12. Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall (1990) (V)

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “Gee, with that background, I’m not surprised that Transformers was such a smart, taut, emotionally involving action movie- or that it contained so many loving pans across Megan Fox’s butt. Why didn’t they get this guy to direct the Bourne films? That’s how terrific he is!”

And you’re right. Michael Bay: gets stuff done. Another great thing about him is that he’s basically exactly the guy you’d think he’d be based on his hair.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like a guy who likes to date Playmates!

REALITY SAYS:

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who has an unintentionally hilarious website about himself!

REALITY SAYS: MichaelBay.com. Check it.

YOU THINK: Michael Bay looks like the kind of guy who claims not to care that his movies are critically derided but secretly doesn’t understand WHY SMART PEOPLE DON’T LIKE THEM. WHY.

REALITY SAYS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Michael Bay totally doesn’t care. HIS MOVIES MAKE TONS OF CASH IN GERMANY, OKAY.

Tyra Banks understands your homeless pain.

February 28, 2008

On last night’s America’s Next Top Model Who Will Never Really Get Much Work And Will Turn Up In Your Copy Of The Newport News Catalog Two Years From Now, Tyra Banks led the ladies in – AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY – MODELING WITH THE HOMELESS.

I know that the following sounds like an SNL skit, but it’s really what happened:

The models dressed in the traditional garb of the homeless, while a bunch of homeless teens got made up and styled all fancy-like.

TYRA’S IN UR DOORWAY, FEELIN’ UR PAIN:

Afterward, the homeless teens went back to their alley behind the Chinese restaurant, and Tyra went home and wrote in her Moleskine journal about how she totally, like, raised American consciousness of a terrible problem.