Dollhouse

February 27, 2008

You may have noticed that people on the internet really like Joss Whedon shows. Much more than normal people. (Hence the canceling.)

Don’t ever mention Firefly around a Joss Whedon fan. They’ll start going on and on about how it was the most amazing thing ever, better than The Wire, and how they have a few extra sets of the DVD box set you can borrow, and do you want them to knit you a Jayne Hat, and how they’re having their bi-monthly watch-the-pilot party this Tuesday if you’re interested.

Joss Whedon, you may have heard, has a new show: Dollhouse.

It involves Eliza Dushku as the mysterious main character, Echo (GET IT?) getting a mindwipe every week so she can be THE HOOKER (or platonic fantasy pal, but let’s be honest! What grabbed you was the HOOKER part.) OF YOUR DREAMS or something like that.

LOST meets ALIAS meets FANTASY ISLAND meets BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS.

The Smooter Report Predicts:

1. Eliza Dushku will be sort of unconvincing (and, actually, slightly scary) as a sultry sexpot, but no one will acknowledge this.

2. Dollhouse will get canceled due to an alarming ratings drop-off after the first episode, when many people are all “Hey, what happened to the HOOKER OF YOUR DREAMS thing? I didn’t realize I was going to have to sit through all this lame DIALOG.”, leading to a fan campaign to revive it.

3. It will not get revived. Instead, there will be a direct-to-DVD movie that only 42 people will buy.

4. Joss Whedon will claim that he appreciates strong female characters, as portrayed by Eliza Dushku.

5. Teenage boys everywhere will also appreciate strong female characters as portrayed by Eliza Dushku. In the shower.

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Vampires+moms.

February 27, 2008

Twilight is a YA book series by Stephenie Meyer. It’s about this girl, Isabella Swan (yes, really) who moves to a small town in Washington state and falls deeply – but chastely! – in love with a vampire. Seriously, there isn’t even any making out. The author is a Mormon, so while it may be a vampire romance novel, there will be no groping until they’re married.

Unsurprisingly, a movie is being made of this. It has a huge fanbase. Many of its fans are of course teenage girls who need safe, chaste, imaginary vampire boyfriends to fantasize about. But bizarrely, some of its fans are…

Twilight Moms.

SO…YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE whose life was turned upside down once you read Twilight…

Your house is a disaster with piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record breaking heights. You imagine your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and have the libido of a newlywed again.

Here is a picture of the libido-inspiring vampires:

Really? I could hip-check the kid with the eyebrows and it’d be all over.

Hulk hates creepy way hospitals smell.

February 27, 2008

If you were one of the four people who liked Ang Lee’s THE INCREDIBLE HULK movie enough to root for a reboot, who would you cast as angry nerd Bruce Banner? Someone bulky, right? Some guy who seems like maybe he has a temper?

Not Edward Norton, who seems like maybe he’ll crush you with a withering bon mot. In interbellum Paris.

And then you probably also wouldn’t go “Hey, Edward Norton, would you like to write the screenplay? Since you’re so experienced in this area? And maybe to help you out, we’ll get Zak Penn!”

Here’s a good line from Zak Penn’s IMDB bio:

Earliest known memory is of the Watergate break-in.

He wrote X-Men: The Last Stand and Elektra. Maybe he and Edward Norton got into huge fights over the HULK script.

“Needs more explosions!”

“Needs more philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“Philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“HULK SMASH.”

I believe. The veiny neck is what’s doing it for me.

Clearly, we’re doomed.

February 26, 2008

Do you know who John Connor is? No? He’s going to save your ass from the robots come Judgment Day. In the future, he’ll be played by Christian Bale.

Unfortunately, in the present, he’s played by that kid who was going to be gay on Heroes, but left the show to do Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

This kid needs a good asskicking or something:


“Ugh, saving the world is so hard.”


“Do you think my bangs look okay? I’m using this new spray wax. It might be too much.”

Blue Blood

February 26, 2008

In 2004, an NYPD cop named Edward Conlon released a memoir:

Blue Blood.

Blue Blood is a really good book. The kind of book where you don’t notice that it’s making you slightly smarter because it’s such an entertaining read.

At some point since its release, the film rights were sold, and in a horrible twist of fate, hack director Brett Ratner got involved. NOT BRETT RATNER, I hear you shout. INDEED. He’s terrible. He likes to make hacky movies from hacky scripts that are all about how great he thinks his action sequences are. He made X-Men: The Last Stand (which was not good) and the Rush Hour movies (which gave Chris Tucker the erroneous impression that he has a splendid career).

Brett Ratner! He likes cheesy stuff.

Conlon, though, isn’t very cheesy. In fact, he’s a very smart guy, and a very good writer. He’s also kind of cute:

Yeah.

It’s not incomprehensible that Hollywood would want to get its mitts on this story, right? Middle-class, Harvard-educated hot guy becomes a cop, drug busts, violence! The blurbs write themselves.

FINE. It’s the part where Brett Ratner gets involved that it all falls apart.

Edward “Memoir” Conlon is the kind of guy who describes the “white guy in Narcotics” goatee he grows on stakeouts. He makes fun of himself. He can spell really long words. He is, in sum, the thinking woman’s crumpet, the thinking man’s cop drama hero.

But Edward “Pilot” Conlon is–

Well.

In the pilot, this is how we’re introduced to him:

[It opens with a chase sequence that turns out to be a dream. Which, STOP THAT. Opening your pilot with a dream fake-out dream sequence is like when bad writers start their short stories with a writer waking up in a blank room. PS: all of the following is reproduced faithfully from the script. I did not, for instance, invent the part with the handcuffs.]

MORNING – THE ROOKIE SITS UP IN BED STARTLED

Meet ED CONLON, handsome, his face nicked from boyhood scars and late night brawls. Around him, he may as well be in a suite at the Four Seasons Maui. An ocean breeze flows through the silk curtains. We hear seagulls outside.

KARA a sexy tanned long legged creature lies partially covered in the bed beside him.

KARA
You okay?

ED
(born and raised in DA BRONX.)
Yeah. What time is it?

KARA
Nine.

ED
Shit.

He jumps out of bed, gathering his things. She studies him. He’s sexy as shit, but more than that, she feels for him.

[SNIP exposition about him meeting an editor later]

She guns a pillow at him. He dodges it. Grabs his knapsack.

KARA
Wait. You forgot something.

He turns. She dangles his HANDCUFFS.

KARA
Arrest me one more time. Please…

SEXY AS SHIT. DA BRONX. ARREST ME ONE MORE TIME. I didn’t even tell you about the part on the next page where we find out that Edward “Pilot” Conlon is super-smart because he knows what “defenstrate” means.

Somewhere, Edward Conlon is crying into his beer.

The Smooter Report blames:

1. Bett Ratner.

2. Pilot writer Neil Tolkin, who, aside from the immortal genius that is “DA BRONX”, also wrote License to Drive. Do you remember that? THE TWO COREYS?

IMDB keywords: Underage Drinking / Slap In The Face / Champagne / Drivers Ed / Automobile.

3. Whomever cast Logan Marshall-Green as Ed “SEXY AS SHIT, FROM DA BRONX” Conlon:

Jack McBrayer. Mariah Carey.

February 26, 2008

I believe that she’s suggesting that we “rub her thighs”. Or suggesting that she rub ours. Delightful!