Posts Tagged ‘edward norton’

Edward Norton Smash Petulantly!

March 11, 2008

Oh, FANTASTIC.

One loves nothing more than a good actor hissyfit. And this is a particularly classy one.

THE HULK MOVIES: A MODEST TIMELINE.

2000: Universal and Marvel start talking seriously about putting together a HULK movie.

2001: You say HULK SMASH, I say ANG LEE! In a surprising move, Marvel decides that this guy – hot off the success of Sense and Sensibility and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – is the perfect dude to helm their epic kickstart of what’s sure to be a gigantic franchise.

2003: The Hulk is released. Audiences everywhere are perplexed by Ang Lee’s obsession with matchy fades from desert foliage to lab equipment. No one understands why there’s a whole ancient Greek play in the middle where The Hulk and his dad work out their problems. “That was terrible”, people leaving the theater declare. “Thanks for killing it!”

2006: Universal and Marvel give The Hulk another chance. People everywhere make frowny faces of confusion. Edward Norton is cast as Bruce Banner. People wonder if this is an elaborate joke. Edward Norton is given the opportunity to rewrite the script. People start laughing. “Oh, you,” they say. “I almost fell for that one!”

2007: People are blindsided by the reveal that this is TOTALLY FOR REAL Y’ALL.

Early 2008: You never saw it coming: Edward Norton is difficult, and being fussy, and wanting some kind of final-cut privileges. Apparently. Marvel and Universal execs start to panic, pretend they aren’t panicking. “Listen,” Norton’s agent says, “My guy was in THE GODDAMN ILLUSIONIST. He totally packs the house for mediocre romances! What do you think he can do with a green Mystic Tan and tattered shorts?”

June 2008: Audiences everywhere are perplexed by journeyman director Louis Leterrier’s (The Transporter, The Transporter 2) obsession with having The Hulk drive around in shiny black cars. No one understands why Ed Norton has a nine-minute monologue in the third act about Nietzsche. “That was terrible,” people leaving the theater declare. “I can’t believe I fell for that AGAIN.”

2010: A Marvel exec takes an idea in to Universal. “It’s a totally fresh perspective,” he says. “Justin Timberlake, can you see it?”

Hulk hates creepy way hospitals smell.

February 27, 2008

If you were one of the four people who liked Ang Lee’s THE INCREDIBLE HULK movie enough to root for a reboot, who would you cast as angry nerd Bruce Banner? Someone bulky, right? Some guy who seems like maybe he has a temper?

Not Edward Norton, who seems like maybe he’ll crush you with a withering bon mot. In interbellum Paris.

And then you probably also wouldn’t go “Hey, Edward Norton, would you like to write the screenplay? Since you’re so experienced in this area? And maybe to help you out, we’ll get Zak Penn!”

Here’s a good line from Zak Penn’s IMDB bio:

Earliest known memory is of the Watergate break-in.

He wrote X-Men: The Last Stand and Elektra. Maybe he and Edward Norton got into huge fights over the HULK script.

“Needs more explosions!”

“Needs more philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“Philosophy!”

“Explosions!”

“HULK SMASH.”

I believe. The veiny neck is what’s doing it for me.